Alone, but not Lonely

There are many people I know who just shudder at the thought of being alone. For them, it is akin to being lonely, abandoned, unloved and even rejected by the world at large. Being basically a loner, I am often given funny labels for my intrinsic need to be alone most of the time. Hermit, reclusive, ‘solitary reaper’, self indulgent, weirdo... as you can see, it doesn’t get any better.

Believe me, it is not exactly pretty to explain that ‘alone is not lonely’ but a rather blessed state, and I love my solitude as much as the company of few good people in my life. Some people freak out when I tell them that I frequently go for a movie alone, eat at a restaurant alone and often set out on a vacation alone, without needing or wanting anyone’s company. And I do not consider myself unlovable or rejected by the world when I am enjoying a solitary lunch at my favourite café.

If you are also one of those who are still singing solo songs, then I am sure there are times when well-meaning friends and relatives have asked you about your perceived loneliness. And if you are like me, you would agree that even if we are alone and single, we can enjoy our solitary pursuits without feeling lonely, sad and waiting desperately to fling ourselves at Cupid’s feet in tearful gratitude at the first given chance.

All this doesn’t mean that I never feel lonely. I do. There are times when I have ‘heart flakes’ for breakfast! But I have learned the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely.' I have also discovered that there are as many ‘ups’ in going solo as there are the ‘downs,' and I have, more or less, become skilled at balancing them out.

However, without intellectualizing, theorizing and analyzing singlehood too much, I would like to learn why is there such mortal fear of being alone? It is only when we are alone that we are able to regain our scattered energies, withdraw them from objects of anxieties and become centered enough to get in touch with our inner selves. The more we look at external supports to pull us out of the misery of loneliness, the deeper we get into it. When we are surrounded by solitude, all external support is abandoned, and we are alone and facing ourselves. We learn to trust our instincts, discover the profound silences of our heart and tune in to our deeper vibrations. Being alone does not necessarily mean that we are lonely and without a companion, in fact, it means we have the ability to do it on our own.

Loneliness is a malady. It can be triggered by a range of things from simple physical exhaustion to major loss. It can vary from a feeling of sadness at a loved one’s absence or a feeling of being excluded from an important event to a heart-breaking, all encompassing feeling of desolation and loss. We all have our moments when loneliness find us defenseless and wanting. But when we learn to comprehend the triggers and root causes of loneliness, we ascertain how to handle it effectively. When we are alone and are enjoying it, we shun the wretchedness of feeling lonely and move from living on the surface of life to living a more elevating one. We send out a message that we have got grit, spirits and guts, and even if the world deserts us, we are there for ourselves.

On the other hand, we must know that loneliness does not arise out of isolation from others. It is when we are isolated from ourselves that loneliness makes its presence felt. It is the distracted and fragmentary life that we live that makes us feel lonely and prevents us from living in the present moment; because when we are feeling lonely, our mind is crowded with internal dialogues, memories of the past and apprehensions about the future.

I feel absolutely alone and I am holding out my heart now.

One Day...

One day I will be happy… it is not this day, nor tomorrow… yet I know one day it will be so…

I know not what is the meaning behind this sadness… this daily pain… I feel as if my angel is crying…

I hear not his cries… I miss his sweet voice… I miss his embrace…

One day I will be free… it is not this day, nor tomorrow… yet I know one day it will be so…

I know not the reason for these feelings… I may be sad… but I am alright. It is not the sadness that bothers. It is something sweeter, deeper… I can not explain further, one day I will understand. I know one day....

One Day I Will:

Take off my mask and just be ME.

Take my clothes on for a smaller size.

Wear a single digit size.

Graduate master's degree.

Find genuine happiness.

Get my own place with my dog.

Live in a farm.

Figure out who I want to be.

Be someone I can live with.

Not get winded when walking my dog.

Teach my dog to walk properly.

Stop yelling at people at work.

Fall in love.

Look in the mirror and not cringe.

Unwritten

Unwritten
My heart wanted to die.
Tears ran down my face and emptied my emotions. Being like this is never new – a friend once told that I am good at this. I feel pain and my heart couldn’t contain. Pain becomes a constant condition I always deal with. There is no holding back of this thinking, it is given in any situation, decision and actions I do. These all mean only one thing – a curse of glumness.
Most often, I don’t understand why drama does follow me, now it’s clear – I like it. Pain like love becomes a decision I make everyday. Happy thoughts could salvage me from this never-ending melancholic state, but these weren’t enough to tantamount each and every pain I feel. Sometimes the pain could be as excruciating as sharp razor blade that could peel my skin off. I wanted to scream for help but no one would hear me. I wanted someone to rescue me and transform everything into totally different state of affairs. Me – born again, this is what I wanted.
People probably won’t understand why I thought of these things. Every person born to this world is bound to following norms and standards. Life’s rules in general may not sound as strict as they could be but society dictates what’s right and what’s wrong and you can only be right to belong. When one becomes different that’s when unkindness happens. Not all people would understand why there are some people who could be different, those who could brave the odds and break rules and traditions, those whose tries are outside those perfect lines, those who they can’t read because actions are unwritten. Society conditions us not to make mistakes but there are some who can’t live this way – some may have chosen to live a life this way and some are just victims of circumstances. They get wounded by people’s judgment. People judge effortlessly; they could break somebody’s heart, destroy someone’s reputation and dignity and condemn you with so much anger and resentment without so much thinking and contemplation. It’s hard to admit, though, if you may ask, YES is my sounding answer. I get wounded too. I lament. I suffer. I bleed. I whimper too.
These explicate what my heart desires – it wanted to die. If only I could still breathe and stay alive if I let my heart die, I would have done it – let it depart its life and be obscured with only happy reminiscences. It is so broken it deserves to retire and heal with gladness. At the last stroke of its beat, it’ll only remember good things, good people and good memories. When it dies, pain will stop. I’ll be numb. I’ll be alright.
A dead heart makes a dead body, it’s entirely impossible to let my heart die. Though it bears so much pain it will live to tell the tale of brokenness and how it survived life and people’s unkindness.
Mathematics says double negatives makes a positive, my heart believes pain when equaled with pain gives a spark of hope – which will lead to happiness. It couldn’t be now, I know, I can only look forward to happy days. They’re coming. I will still endure pain but with a different standpoint this time. My heart knows who and what can make it smile anyway. I’ll drench my heart and myself in things unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. My heart starts another story today and the rest is still unwritten.

If We Meet Again, Be Brave, Be Brave...

Why does drama seem to follow me? I wasn't looking for the drama, only a true friend.
It’s 2:30Am and I have yet to sleep. Stumbling through ghostly conscience haunting my being as a person, a son, and a friend – what do these mean to me until I have a hard time knowning the difference anymore.
It becomes increasingly difficult for me to let go. When asked about my biggest regret so far, my typical answer is that I should have let go, and not hold on. When I should have ducked and ran for cover, I instead would stay, clinging to whatever was shooting. By whatever, I mean whoever, naturally.
But it’s been long enough that now those moments are less severe, for me anyway. The above answer seems innocent. I believe that time has evolved that innocence. I believe I have lived long enough, seen enough, encountered enough, done enough that now I can firmly say my biggest regret is my actions. Which, well, is a downer.
It will break my heart, I know but I am more than geared up for this. Or maybe I am just making it easier for me to lose a friend. Losing a friend could mean death to me – forever melancholy. I did expect there to be a sincere friendship. Now, I wonder how he could not believe in a friendship built from a shared experience? I’ve said before that forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive.
I am so sorry.

I Lament Too

It often seems easier to just stuff my pain deep within instead of facing it and lamenting it. I’m learning this very week that in the long run, it is best to lament, to be vulnerable with safe people, and to ask for help and forgiveness. This is the only way to be set free from my past, my sin, my darkness, my pain!
So I am lamenting a possibility of losing a friend. A life of escaping reality and a fear of being less intimate with other people. As a person, I chose to escape my pain, fear, hurt, loneliness, and rejection from others by giving a personal judgment that I don’t really exist or I never existed at all. The idea of it intensified over time and in a state of never being accepted and hurt over and over makes me wanting pain more, more, and more - I feared the next step - stepping out of my normal kind of life and never believe that I will be able to free myself from this melancholic state.
Who do I trust enough with this fear? I am so afraid, so ashamed to admit that through time I made a mistake or two. I am feeling so stumpy, thinking that I caused you pain. I never knew what you kept inside and chose to never let me know that you are hurting. I didn’t understand this, the decision of keeping a distance perhaps you made gives more confusion – this made me sick in the head. My current lament is the realization that I am filed with so much fear of losing you as a friend. The pain it causes builds a blockage for recovery.
I am powerless to make you understand that I didn’t mean what you thought it was. I cry my heart out loud; I knew I shouted it thunderous but even I didn’t hear myself. My mistake, if it really was is so grievous and hurtful to myself and to you. Perhaps I am undeserving of your love and mercy. Yet, you lavishly have given forgiveness, your understanding, to take my place and receive the punishment I am so deserving of. I have been thinking only of myself instead of making you feel you are important. How far away from you can I get in doing so? Will you hear what my heart wants to tell you? Like you, I also lament because…
I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am feeling pain.
I am afraid.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I am crying.

Onto Missing Someone

Have you ever missed someone and felt terrible because you cannot do something about it? Missing someone is terrible but at the same time a sweet feeling. You will be sitting around wondering if you meant something to the significant other person. Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her. Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise you by appearing downstairs. Sitting in front of the television but thinking of her/him missing the final episode of your favorite show. Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future. You always log on to the internet hoping to see him/her online, when you realize that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, you will start worrying if he/she is okay. Missing someone is a way of growing up I guess. It exposes you to loneliness. It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness. Sometimes it feels good to miss someone. You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her. But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible. You feel as if you are being left alone. So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know. At the same time, ask if they miss you. Missing someone doesn’t have to be a significant person in your life, or the one to whom your heart belongs – we miss our friends, we all do. Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will be together again.

BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE

Did I lose you yet? Or will I lose you soon? You are a mistake – a beautiful mistake. If I could do it all over again, I would let you make me wrong again.

The most beautiful person I’ve ever known turned out to be the most beautiful mistake I’ve ever done in my life. How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes? What constitutes a mistake? This can only be answered by the one who feels they have made the mistake. This can not be determined by others. This is the BEAUTY of a mistake. You control every mistake you make in your life. I am taking a chance in this life to live it to the fullest. The fact that I have left it all on the table at this point is such a relief. I don't have any regrets and the feeling of anxiety and pure adrenaline are enough to outweigh the outcome, good or bad. The overall feeling is outstanding- everyone should experience that feeling of pure freedom. We are all in control of our feelings and happiness is one that should be experienced by each and every one of us. What kind of mistake could you make that has a beautiful ending? Oh let me think, In pursuit of finding good friends, I actually lost one. Isn’t it very ironic when you’ve put so much efforts in keeping a friend, but it seems so easy sailing away by saying, “don’t expect we will still be friends someday because I don’t want to hurt you again” – not only this is ironic but also painful, real pain that it hit me straight through the heart. I wanted to stop the pain, leave it there and make a permanent reminder of this hurt so I won’t go on breaking my heart over and over again – I am doomed to failure, pain remains the same. It won’t fade, never ceasing. I am deeply hurt and saddened by his words, I couldn’t understand or maybe I just don’t want to understand. I know it wouldn’t be easy to just forget things and move on and embrace tomorrow with an optimistic perspective about life. It would be entirely different without looking forward to another day that spells out happiness because good friends are there, it would be hard but surely I can. There’s more to life than bitterness and animosity, I will stand up for love, this time for myself. The beauty in this mistake lies within the choice of loving me first before anyone else. I will move on, meet new friends and eventually suffer heartbreak, love, and eventually have learned enough from my mistakes to make the next friend of my life the friend for the rest of my life.

EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU

As the dawn breaks when the fresh morn air embraces a new day and when the sun is shining, love becomes a decision I take everyday when I wake up. Everyday is a gift just as what life is. I live each day to love. From the moment I open my eyes comes a thought that a new day has come only to realize that I love you more everyday. There is no doubt that loving you makes each day inspiring, despite life’s difficulties. I may not be able to tell how dear you are to me but I knew everyday I love you.

It is as if I’ve known you for a life time – I couldn’t ask for more, but you. The mystery that wraps your character seems like my own personal good morphine. I took so much of you, I am at bliss. You have become a life support I can no longer quit. There is no getting over you, everyday I love you.

Many times I tried to tell you, desired to let you know that I could go on loving you forever but my apprehension prevents me from doing so – I don’t want to lose you. I keep this love inside even when it hurts every so often. There are times the days go by very slow – they seem to end not, everyday I love you, though.

Dreams never come true until you came and show that they do. You are one person that incorporates and builds inspiration even when you choose to stay in the silence of time. You are my life, my breath, and the beat of my heart. Forever I’ll love you, forever I’ll stay – if forever turn into a lie, and when everything becomes transitory, it won’t change a thing. Everyday I love you.

A GOOD PERSON

A Good Person

What really constitutes a good person? This is one of the questions I have in my life that I long to find the answer for.

Does being an upright citizen equate to being a good man?

Does going to church regularly and paying your colleagues compliments that they are due make you virtuous and moral?

Is it enough to do good things for other people to make you an ethical and just human being?

With all the norms that the society we live in sets for being good, sometimes, it's just too easy to be bad. Whether that takes the form of gossiping about your co-worker, cheating on a test, coming late to work or merely having malicious thoughts of others, I've done all sort of things that I can never be proud of, nor justify.

Sometimes, it's just way too easy to be bad. The idea of being good is occasionally easier said than done. Doing something I already regard as greatly noble may not be good enough to the person sitting next to me.

Let's admit it, we can never please everyone, no matter how we try.

I've just recently stopped apologizing for my existence and started to accept and love myself. I have realized that the key to becoming a truly good person is in also accepting the parts of my personality that I am not very proud of.

I have stopped resisting my nature, instead, tried to work my way around it. I have come to admit that I am not perfect and I do succumb to temptation sometimes. What matters is the fact that everyday, I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. If I fail, I try again.

Somebody once said, "I may not be a nice person, but I am a good human being".

Being good is like beauty. It is a biased, prejudiced, over-rated and subjective issue. I've learned not to put too much pressure on myself with all the standards that our society has. Instead, I try to simplify them by struggling not to step on anyone's shoes. Then maybe... just maybe, I can be a good person in the process.

My 2008 Christmas Wishlist!

Given the spirit and the time of year, I began thinking of what I would really wish for this Christmas…I’d be very ideal since these are genuine wishes…I’ll keep my fingers crossed until these are realized.

1. On being a Teacher: I wish that I would become an inspiration to many to effect change in their lives and make young people realize that life is not as easy as they think about it. I wish that I won’t generate hate every time I go against their wrongdoings and mistakes – instead, I instill in their minds the beauty in admitting they were wrong and let them embrace the courage to stand on what they think is right. I wish my students would become the person they wanted to be in the upcoming new year – let them grow as individuals who went trough life in the past with beautiful lessons and make them happy and content with what they have in life.
2. I wish more people would observe Christmas (if they feel they must observe it) as a time to reach out to others with love and friendship rather than a time to "get stuff" for themselves.
3. I wish people would come to the realization that the whole world is, in reality, a single country, and that what is best for one country is best for all, and that what is best for the whole world is best for everyone in it.
4. I wish that my family stays together through thick and thin and that we always survive each passing day with a ready smile no matter how life puts us on tests and trials. I wish that all people who are dear to us stay healthy and continue blessing each other’s life with their own little ways.
5. I wish that my friends would find the joy deep within their hearts that we had become friends not because of what they can offer but because we feel this sense of belongingness and togetherness with each other’s company. I wish that what they would remember are the things that spell out happiness and not hatred.
6. Finally on being materialistic: I don’t really fancy stuffs but I’d wish for a camcorder, fancy clothes, and a place of my own... not that I don't want to live with my parents anymore it's just that I want to experience being independent... kind of preparing too if ever I’ll have an opportunity abroad... no need to be fancy here now... but a nice condo? Why not!

Happy Christmas for all!

YOU Inspire Me

I’ve been thinking about how inspiring you are.
I heard someone say that you’re inspiring. I saw you value the words and the person who said them. You were so taken by the compliment that you didn’t know what to do.
I think you’re inspiring too.
So I’m writing this for you and all of you who inspire me. Would you listen to what I mean by that?
In spire means to breathe.I don’t know your struggles well, but I know you’ve faced them down, and you’re still breathing. That alone is inspiring. Add that you’re fun and easy and it’s meta-inspirational. You motivate me to think I can blast through my own struggles and come out smiling.
In other words, you make my breathing easier.Isn’t that what inspiration means?
So please know . . .
When I say, “You’re inspiring,” I’m saying . . .
“You motivate me to keep going, doing the next thing, to keep breathing, to keep knowing that I’ll get there.”
What do you do when people say you’re inspiring?
Smile, breathe it in, and say ‘thank you,” with gusto to reinforce a positive change in the world. Glow more each time someone says you’re inspiring. So that more folks wonder who you are.
Smile. Breathe. Glow. Then . . .
Inspire everyone you can to inspire someone else down the line.
Get the whole world breathing again, right along with you.
What do you do keep inspired? Who inspires you?

True Friendship

True friendship is an amazing thing. Friends come and go all the time but true friendship lasts a lifetime. True friendship can be felt within the heart and this creates a special bond between two people. When we are children we make new friends all the time including imaginary ones. But it is when we are growing we develop special friendships with very special people. I know many people but have only few relationships which I consider to be true friendships. These are people that I love and share my life with. I have a very few special friends that make me laugh, keep me strong, encourage me to achieve my goals and contribute to make me the person who I am today. Friendship is almost like an antagonistic progress. If one of the two are sad the other cheers them up and vice versa. There are many songs that acknowledge friendship and show how it works both ways. For example:

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on, for it won’t be long, ’til I’m going to need somebody to lean on.” ~ Lean on me
And my personal favourite which holds many emotional meanings for me,it still brings tears to my eyes when I hear it. It.s a song from the musical Wicked called For Good.
I hope you like this song I feel its a truely magical song that really depicts the true meaning of friendship. To hear it as part of the musical go to http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=MOxbNhB5dqg

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Friends are a critical component of our lives. Without them life can become monotonous. We need them in our childhood, teens and adulthood. They not only share our joy and happiness but sometimes our pain too. The painful times are what separate the real friends from the superficial ones. It is amazing how I have been friends with some people yet I cannot depend on them. Taking stock of some of my most recent experiences in life, it is very clear to me now who my real friends are. Whereas it may be true that I possibly can have a 100+ friends, but when it comes down to it, I can only probably rely on 2 or 3 friends to be there for me no matter what the situation demands of them. Funny how that works eh? Actually, I am not that surprised because proving one’s friendship is not an easy feat at all. I learned a lot of lessons from a friend in recent times. The most satisfying friendships are built on a foundation of balance and reciprocity. This belief would probably make sense if people close to you would not actually try to break your heart. I was trying to work things out for a friend but he was too blind and too shallow to see all the goodness from my intentions. I have changed a few things about myself because of him. I have learned to be selfish and also to think of myself first before anyone else. Much easier said than done, but all of my life I am so concerned about special people and their interests. It is such a terrible change to put my self’s needs ahead of his. It could be easy for him to go on failing things when I am actually trying my best to help him not to. I was devastated. I felt like my life long dream of building the foundation of our friendship had been crushed and that I was coming to a grinding halt. On his beckoning I did not lose heart. I got ready to understand him; I was not going to give up so easy. I never was a quitter. That time around, I was so forgiving. I tried to make things work now for both of us. I did not succeed. I gave up. I was devastated beyond words. I was embarrassed to tell him that all my efforts had amounted to nothing for the second time for he did not understand what’s going on. I don’t actually expect anything from him, it is better that way. But sometimes I wish I could make him understand that I am losing a part of my heart, leaving it bare every time I would show him that he means a lot to me so he could at least show some appreciation. But he never did, and I am thinking he never even once. I was hurt and so he is. I can forgive, I’m not sure if he can too.
The only question now is - are we still friends? Or the friendship is now over?

HAPPY (I'm Picking Up)

In the heat of the heartbreak, a new friendship starts to build up, unexpected and it promises a dazzling future. The emotional pain still lingers on me - there where it was, inside the heart. What could possibly make it a little lesser this time are the people who can make pain disappear and offer kindness. Life could be very tedious without them - an act of humanity spells out healing which is made obvious by their thoughtfulness match with emphaty, these are essentials for recovery. I knew that I have to forgive myself so I can forgive my offenders to be able to set free from the pain. I must experience what it feels like to be broken, endure the heartache and survive this struggle - in the end, I know I am picking up.

I remember all too well thinking that the people I value the most are the same people who broke my heart. The feeling is undeniably painful, they're all bringing on the heartbreak. Sometimes I still do worry that I wouldn't be able to heal - I fear that I will be forever stucked on this emotional burden, be stationary and fail to move on. But I take my perceptions with a grain of salt. After all, I haven't exactly proved myself to be a good judge in that regard. Somehow I've come to a point where I don't need to measure how much pain would there be in my heart or could it be at the end of this all, happiness matters. I know I am happy and well right now. I gave up a lot - my inspiration, friendships, a sense of community and security. But in return, I got my self back. I am picking up.

Cut My Heart Out…Please!

They don’t call it “heartbreak” for nothing. It’s not really about love or loving or falling in love with too many, too often. What hurts is the realization that I am giving up on everything. I was so wrong for believing what I do best would change a thing or my ideas about life are selling. I tried to change something or someone that was doomed from the beginning. Could I ever trust myself again? Could I still trust people, or will I forever wonder and wait for the world to end?
My heart really hurts. Sometimes a sharp pain like a knife, sometimes a dull pressure like someone was stepping on my chest, squeezing out all my breath. I needed to do something. Since I had no control over my tedious life, I felt that I needed to create a permanent reminder of the situation, leave the pain there and move on.
Inside my heart, I am heavily scarred, many of these scars are little reminders of heartbreaks past...no names or anything, but I know who they all remind me of. I needed to give up on everything so I could start living a different life I had not consciously experienced before. Perhaps I need to experience a new but same old kind of pain and mark to remember that specific realization. Cutting my heart into pieces seemed to be the correct medium...the symbolism, the bleeding...and I knew it wouldn’t stop. I will forever bleed. People might not notice this; I have mastered the art of covering up into perfection.
The decision was an obvious choice. What else but give up on everything and choose myself over anything else. Actually, I wanted it remembered by every person who made me lose grip, to let go rather than holding on. I want them to experience the same pain I am going through now so they would understand what it feels like to be betrayed, denied, used and lied to. Pain equaled with pain, heart to heart, because that was where the pain was. Though I have some beautiful scars from people who made me stronger for breaking my heart, I’ll hide them temporarily until I recover from this emotional pain. I am sure at one thing – I will get over this on my own, no more tears, no worries, and no sacrifices.
Cut my heart out please but leave one piece to me – I’ll endure the pain and survive with a more beautiful one someday.

LOser

Am I a loser or am I not?
"I dwell on the past. What was and what could have been. It's all gone now and the future looks boring.”
So I have been complaining that I don’t actually deal well much with my life, I am still as boring as usual, just a little less lame this time. Life sucks, I am so sick of giving people who I love emotional pain, it’s pathetic. Almost every word I say seems like a knife that cuts through the heart. I hate being like this. I want God to punish me.
In some eyes, I am cool. In some eyes, I am popular. In some eyes, I am ugly. In some eyes, I am beautiful. In some eyes, I am original. In some eyes, I am preppy. In some eyes, I am nerdy. In some eyes, I am sane. In some eyes, I am crazy. In some eyes, I am a loser. I won't object to any of those labels. I don't mind. Except the last one. That one I DO mind.
I am strong. I am unique. I am true to myself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but those are not characteristics of a loser. I may fail a test. I may screw up that friendship. I may be dumped. I may break down and cry in front of everyone. Does that make me a loser? No. It could. But I build up from the failure, I learn.
I am not a loser, not until I hurt you. What makes me a loser, you ask? The answer could be simple – I am sailing away from you.

A Heart Does Not Die

“A heart does not die, this is a human factor”.
Why does it hurt hurting you?
There are moments in life, you realize shit happens when you least expected. People could go wrong turning disappointment to regret. I was dumb fool to say a word that kindles strife, a word that wrecks your moral. I could have killed you just by telling cruel things. I was as bad as a thief for stealing your dignity from you. Forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive. There is no doubt about it. The biggest reason to your ability to move on and forgive is the love you have for yourself. If you ever want to be free from the misery you must first remove the pain and the hatred in your heart. You must make a choice to forgive -- not holding anything against your offenders. I also pray that this would not be especially difficult for you – find the joy of having good friends in your heart; don’t fear that forgiving would change a thing. To get rid of bitterness will not only change the way you relate to others, but will remove from your life something like a cancerous cell, which perhaps unknown to you, has been infecting everything you do. Drill a hole in my heart and tell me what you see. The die is cast. I dare you to respond.
Forgive me.

ALONE @Twenty Five (Thoughts About My Birthday)

I am turning 25, and I was never happy. 25 years of my existence which I never chose, it just happened, I was given no choice but to live a miserable life and be forever marooned in melancholy. Solitary rules and it seems everlasting. I am 25 and I couldn’t think of any possible way I can be happy. Happiness is an understatement. Looking back in the past and to the things I’ve done – everything flashes back like a bullet train and all that I see is an endless queue of despair. I was into hopelessness all of my life. To any who celebrates life on the day he was born to this world, happiness is a certain truth. Fondest memories are treasured; everything good is cherished but never to me. I have long accepted the impossibility of being happy – this is a way of life. I have to forget myself and be somebody I am not. I am not real. I fake everything that is a suggestion of a happy and content living. I am 25, unhappy, maybe cursed, but who is going to break the spell? Life isn’t a fairy tale. Cinderella and Snow White never really exist in real life. There is neither happy ending nor a prince charming. Life in a real sense is about the many failure and downfalls I had. There is no happily ever after, there’s only once upon a time. Hope was once an armor; I never did stop believing that in search for real happiness I could stumble on it, I was wrong – instead, I felt pain, I shed tears, I bled, and I died inside. It was so wrong to make myself believe in the things only created by falsehood and lies. My life never changes; the years are only hints about how I’ve been enduring the sorrow of being exactly what I am – ALONE.
Three days from now, I’ll be 25. What I could wish for myself would not change a thing so why ask for happiness. It’ll only add pain to a struggling heart and a dying soul. I’d rather wish for a minute of peace of mind, a moment to feel that I am worthy of the life I breathe. I’d ask for appreciation and admiration for what I am capable of doing – loving if not being loved.
I am turning 25, and I was never happy. I thought it was a choice but now it is fate.

The Significant One

The story of my life actually centers around "the significant one", contratry to what I always believe that melancholy would always detain me in gloom. At first thought or glance at me it seems like my idea about love is ultimately the totality and gruesomeness of rejections and failures I have in the pages of my life. In reality, it signifies "A Very Special Love" in that it tells you the bitter-sweet details of love without any lack of description and information. However, this ultimate adoration and emotion of the actual loving and love itself is not the main focal point of this unromantic tale. The real story centers on one awesome person, an acquaintance, and inspiration - that person is YOU.

You show the greatest heartwarming prowess of any of the people that surround me and you have the greatest emotion-controlling ability of all the people in the world. On an everyday account, you become special from the rest when you draw back from the ordinary and create a world marked by your personal detections and refuse to be dictated by the standards of life in order to survive. Not only you as the significant person able and exceptional from the rest, but you also ultimately had shaped the truth that you were chosen to brighten up my day as opposed to others' option of a dull and monotonous life. You know how important for you to be true in the middle of lies and dishonesty and gain great respect for doing so.

You can transform the world by your genuine thoughts and pure intentions, not because you are a peace advocate but because your character is so moving that it effects changes.

With you I won't weep, with you there's no sorrow. Because of you I broke free from melancholy. I see myself composed, jovial and humbled by your presence. I am pleased at this happening and therefore aim to show you how grateful I am for making me believe that melancholy always mirrors my life - sometimes it is only a state of mind.