Unwritten

Unwritten
My heart wanted to die.
Tears ran down my face and emptied my emotions. Being like this is never new – a friend once told that I am good at this. I feel pain and my heart couldn’t contain. Pain becomes a constant condition I always deal with. There is no holding back of this thinking, it is given in any situation, decision and actions I do. These all mean only one thing – a curse of glumness.
Most often, I don’t understand why drama does follow me, now it’s clear – I like it. Pain like love becomes a decision I make everyday. Happy thoughts could salvage me from this never-ending melancholic state, but these weren’t enough to tantamount each and every pain I feel. Sometimes the pain could be as excruciating as sharp razor blade that could peel my skin off. I wanted to scream for help but no one would hear me. I wanted someone to rescue me and transform everything into totally different state of affairs. Me – born again, this is what I wanted.
People probably won’t understand why I thought of these things. Every person born to this world is bound to following norms and standards. Life’s rules in general may not sound as strict as they could be but society dictates what’s right and what’s wrong and you can only be right to belong. When one becomes different that’s when unkindness happens. Not all people would understand why there are some people who could be different, those who could brave the odds and break rules and traditions, those whose tries are outside those perfect lines, those who they can’t read because actions are unwritten. Society conditions us not to make mistakes but there are some who can’t live this way – some may have chosen to live a life this way and some are just victims of circumstances. They get wounded by people’s judgment. People judge effortlessly; they could break somebody’s heart, destroy someone’s reputation and dignity and condemn you with so much anger and resentment without so much thinking and contemplation. It’s hard to admit, though, if you may ask, YES is my sounding answer. I get wounded too. I lament. I suffer. I bleed. I whimper too.
These explicate what my heart desires – it wanted to die. If only I could still breathe and stay alive if I let my heart die, I would have done it – let it depart its life and be obscured with only happy reminiscences. It is so broken it deserves to retire and heal with gladness. At the last stroke of its beat, it’ll only remember good things, good people and good memories. When it dies, pain will stop. I’ll be numb. I’ll be alright.
A dead heart makes a dead body, it’s entirely impossible to let my heart die. Though it bears so much pain it will live to tell the tale of brokenness and how it survived life and people’s unkindness.
Mathematics says double negatives makes a positive, my heart believes pain when equaled with pain gives a spark of hope – which will lead to happiness. It couldn’t be now, I know, I can only look forward to happy days. They’re coming. I will still endure pain but with a different standpoint this time. My heart knows who and what can make it smile anyway. I’ll drench my heart and myself in things unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. My heart starts another story today and the rest is still unwritten.

If We Meet Again, Be Brave, Be Brave...

Why does drama seem to follow me? I wasn't looking for the drama, only a true friend.
It’s 2:30Am and I have yet to sleep. Stumbling through ghostly conscience haunting my being as a person, a son, and a friend – what do these mean to me until I have a hard time knowning the difference anymore.
It becomes increasingly difficult for me to let go. When asked about my biggest regret so far, my typical answer is that I should have let go, and not hold on. When I should have ducked and ran for cover, I instead would stay, clinging to whatever was shooting. By whatever, I mean whoever, naturally.
But it’s been long enough that now those moments are less severe, for me anyway. The above answer seems innocent. I believe that time has evolved that innocence. I believe I have lived long enough, seen enough, encountered enough, done enough that now I can firmly say my biggest regret is my actions. Which, well, is a downer.
It will break my heart, I know but I am more than geared up for this. Or maybe I am just making it easier for me to lose a friend. Losing a friend could mean death to me – forever melancholy. I did expect there to be a sincere friendship. Now, I wonder how he could not believe in a friendship built from a shared experience? I’ve said before that forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive.
I am so sorry.

I Lament Too

It often seems easier to just stuff my pain deep within instead of facing it and lamenting it. I’m learning this very week that in the long run, it is best to lament, to be vulnerable with safe people, and to ask for help and forgiveness. This is the only way to be set free from my past, my sin, my darkness, my pain!
So I am lamenting a possibility of losing a friend. A life of escaping reality and a fear of being less intimate with other people. As a person, I chose to escape my pain, fear, hurt, loneliness, and rejection from others by giving a personal judgment that I don’t really exist or I never existed at all. The idea of it intensified over time and in a state of never being accepted and hurt over and over makes me wanting pain more, more, and more - I feared the next step - stepping out of my normal kind of life and never believe that I will be able to free myself from this melancholic state.
Who do I trust enough with this fear? I am so afraid, so ashamed to admit that through time I made a mistake or two. I am feeling so stumpy, thinking that I caused you pain. I never knew what you kept inside and chose to never let me know that you are hurting. I didn’t understand this, the decision of keeping a distance perhaps you made gives more confusion – this made me sick in the head. My current lament is the realization that I am filed with so much fear of losing you as a friend. The pain it causes builds a blockage for recovery.
I am powerless to make you understand that I didn’t mean what you thought it was. I cry my heart out loud; I knew I shouted it thunderous but even I didn’t hear myself. My mistake, if it really was is so grievous and hurtful to myself and to you. Perhaps I am undeserving of your love and mercy. Yet, you lavishly have given forgiveness, your understanding, to take my place and receive the punishment I am so deserving of. I have been thinking only of myself instead of making you feel you are important. How far away from you can I get in doing so? Will you hear what my heart wants to tell you? Like you, I also lament because…
I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am feeling pain.
I am afraid.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I am crying.

Onto Missing Someone

Have you ever missed someone and felt terrible because you cannot do something about it? Missing someone is terrible but at the same time a sweet feeling. You will be sitting around wondering if you meant something to the significant other person. Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her. Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise you by appearing downstairs. Sitting in front of the television but thinking of her/him missing the final episode of your favorite show. Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future. You always log on to the internet hoping to see him/her online, when you realize that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, you will start worrying if he/she is okay. Missing someone is a way of growing up I guess. It exposes you to loneliness. It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness. Sometimes it feels good to miss someone. You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her. But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible. You feel as if you are being left alone. So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know. At the same time, ask if they miss you. Missing someone doesn’t have to be a significant person in your life, or the one to whom your heart belongs – we miss our friends, we all do. Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will be together again.

BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE

Did I lose you yet? Or will I lose you soon? You are a mistake – a beautiful mistake. If I could do it all over again, I would let you make me wrong again.

The most beautiful person I’ve ever known turned out to be the most beautiful mistake I’ve ever done in my life. How can you have a beautiful ending without making beautiful mistakes? What constitutes a mistake? This can only be answered by the one who feels they have made the mistake. This can not be determined by others. This is the BEAUTY of a mistake. You control every mistake you make in your life. I am taking a chance in this life to live it to the fullest. The fact that I have left it all on the table at this point is such a relief. I don't have any regrets and the feeling of anxiety and pure adrenaline are enough to outweigh the outcome, good or bad. The overall feeling is outstanding- everyone should experience that feeling of pure freedom. We are all in control of our feelings and happiness is one that should be experienced by each and every one of us. What kind of mistake could you make that has a beautiful ending? Oh let me think, In pursuit of finding good friends, I actually lost one. Isn’t it very ironic when you’ve put so much efforts in keeping a friend, but it seems so easy sailing away by saying, “don’t expect we will still be friends someday because I don’t want to hurt you again” – not only this is ironic but also painful, real pain that it hit me straight through the heart. I wanted to stop the pain, leave it there and make a permanent reminder of this hurt so I won’t go on breaking my heart over and over again – I am doomed to failure, pain remains the same. It won’t fade, never ceasing. I am deeply hurt and saddened by his words, I couldn’t understand or maybe I just don’t want to understand. I know it wouldn’t be easy to just forget things and move on and embrace tomorrow with an optimistic perspective about life. It would be entirely different without looking forward to another day that spells out happiness because good friends are there, it would be hard but surely I can. There’s more to life than bitterness and animosity, I will stand up for love, this time for myself. The beauty in this mistake lies within the choice of loving me first before anyone else. I will move on, meet new friends and eventually suffer heartbreak, love, and eventually have learned enough from my mistakes to make the next friend of my life the friend for the rest of my life.

EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU

As the dawn breaks when the fresh morn air embraces a new day and when the sun is shining, love becomes a decision I take everyday when I wake up. Everyday is a gift just as what life is. I live each day to love. From the moment I open my eyes comes a thought that a new day has come only to realize that I love you more everyday. There is no doubt that loving you makes each day inspiring, despite life’s difficulties. I may not be able to tell how dear you are to me but I knew everyday I love you.

It is as if I’ve known you for a life time – I couldn’t ask for more, but you. The mystery that wraps your character seems like my own personal good morphine. I took so much of you, I am at bliss. You have become a life support I can no longer quit. There is no getting over you, everyday I love you.

Many times I tried to tell you, desired to let you know that I could go on loving you forever but my apprehension prevents me from doing so – I don’t want to lose you. I keep this love inside even when it hurts every so often. There are times the days go by very slow – they seem to end not, everyday I love you, though.

Dreams never come true until you came and show that they do. You are one person that incorporates and builds inspiration even when you choose to stay in the silence of time. You are my life, my breath, and the beat of my heart. Forever I’ll love you, forever I’ll stay – if forever turn into a lie, and when everything becomes transitory, it won’t change a thing. Everyday I love you.

A GOOD PERSON

A Good Person

What really constitutes a good person? This is one of the questions I have in my life that I long to find the answer for.

Does being an upright citizen equate to being a good man?

Does going to church regularly and paying your colleagues compliments that they are due make you virtuous and moral?

Is it enough to do good things for other people to make you an ethical and just human being?

With all the norms that the society we live in sets for being good, sometimes, it's just too easy to be bad. Whether that takes the form of gossiping about your co-worker, cheating on a test, coming late to work or merely having malicious thoughts of others, I've done all sort of things that I can never be proud of, nor justify.

Sometimes, it's just way too easy to be bad. The idea of being good is occasionally easier said than done. Doing something I already regard as greatly noble may not be good enough to the person sitting next to me.

Let's admit it, we can never please everyone, no matter how we try.

I've just recently stopped apologizing for my existence and started to accept and love myself. I have realized that the key to becoming a truly good person is in also accepting the parts of my personality that I am not very proud of.

I have stopped resisting my nature, instead, tried to work my way around it. I have come to admit that I am not perfect and I do succumb to temptation sometimes. What matters is the fact that everyday, I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. If I fail, I try again.

Somebody once said, "I may not be a nice person, but I am a good human being".

Being good is like beauty. It is a biased, prejudiced, over-rated and subjective issue. I've learned not to put too much pressure on myself with all the standards that our society has. Instead, I try to simplify them by struggling not to step on anyone's shoes. Then maybe... just maybe, I can be a good person in the process.