A GOOD PERSON

A Good Person

What really constitutes a good person? This is one of the questions I have in my life that I long to find the answer for.

Does being an upright citizen equate to being a good man?

Does going to church regularly and paying your colleagues compliments that they are due make you virtuous and moral?

Is it enough to do good things for other people to make you an ethical and just human being?

With all the norms that the society we live in sets for being good, sometimes, it's just too easy to be bad. Whether that takes the form of gossiping about your co-worker, cheating on a test, coming late to work or merely having malicious thoughts of others, I've done all sort of things that I can never be proud of, nor justify.

Sometimes, it's just way too easy to be bad. The idea of being good is occasionally easier said than done. Doing something I already regard as greatly noble may not be good enough to the person sitting next to me.

Let's admit it, we can never please everyone, no matter how we try.

I've just recently stopped apologizing for my existence and started to accept and love myself. I have realized that the key to becoming a truly good person is in also accepting the parts of my personality that I am not very proud of.

I have stopped resisting my nature, instead, tried to work my way around it. I have come to admit that I am not perfect and I do succumb to temptation sometimes. What matters is the fact that everyday, I try to be a better person than I was yesterday. If I fail, I try again.

Somebody once said, "I may not be a nice person, but I am a good human being".

Being good is like beauty. It is a biased, prejudiced, over-rated and subjective issue. I've learned not to put too much pressure on myself with all the standards that our society has. Instead, I try to simplify them by struggling not to step on anyone's shoes. Then maybe... just maybe, I can be a good person in the process.

My 2008 Christmas Wishlist!

Given the spirit and the time of year, I began thinking of what I would really wish for this Christmas…I’d be very ideal since these are genuine wishes…I’ll keep my fingers crossed until these are realized.

1. On being a Teacher: I wish that I would become an inspiration to many to effect change in their lives and make young people realize that life is not as easy as they think about it. I wish that I won’t generate hate every time I go against their wrongdoings and mistakes – instead, I instill in their minds the beauty in admitting they were wrong and let them embrace the courage to stand on what they think is right. I wish my students would become the person they wanted to be in the upcoming new year – let them grow as individuals who went trough life in the past with beautiful lessons and make them happy and content with what they have in life.
2. I wish more people would observe Christmas (if they feel they must observe it) as a time to reach out to others with love and friendship rather than a time to "get stuff" for themselves.
3. I wish people would come to the realization that the whole world is, in reality, a single country, and that what is best for one country is best for all, and that what is best for the whole world is best for everyone in it.
4. I wish that my family stays together through thick and thin and that we always survive each passing day with a ready smile no matter how life puts us on tests and trials. I wish that all people who are dear to us stay healthy and continue blessing each other’s life with their own little ways.
5. I wish that my friends would find the joy deep within their hearts that we had become friends not because of what they can offer but because we feel this sense of belongingness and togetherness with each other’s company. I wish that what they would remember are the things that spell out happiness and not hatred.
6. Finally on being materialistic: I don’t really fancy stuffs but I’d wish for a camcorder, fancy clothes, and a place of my own... not that I don't want to live with my parents anymore it's just that I want to experience being independent... kind of preparing too if ever I’ll have an opportunity abroad... no need to be fancy here now... but a nice condo? Why not!

Happy Christmas for all!

YOU Inspire Me

I’ve been thinking about how inspiring you are.
I heard someone say that you’re inspiring. I saw you value the words and the person who said them. You were so taken by the compliment that you didn’t know what to do.
I think you’re inspiring too.
So I’m writing this for you and all of you who inspire me. Would you listen to what I mean by that?
In spire means to breathe.I don’t know your struggles well, but I know you’ve faced them down, and you’re still breathing. That alone is inspiring. Add that you’re fun and easy and it’s meta-inspirational. You motivate me to think I can blast through my own struggles and come out smiling.
In other words, you make my breathing easier.Isn’t that what inspiration means?
So please know . . .
When I say, “You’re inspiring,” I’m saying . . .
“You motivate me to keep going, doing the next thing, to keep breathing, to keep knowing that I’ll get there.”
What do you do when people say you’re inspiring?
Smile, breathe it in, and say ‘thank you,” with gusto to reinforce a positive change in the world. Glow more each time someone says you’re inspiring. So that more folks wonder who you are.
Smile. Breathe. Glow. Then . . .
Inspire everyone you can to inspire someone else down the line.
Get the whole world breathing again, right along with you.
What do you do keep inspired? Who inspires you?

True Friendship

True friendship is an amazing thing. Friends come and go all the time but true friendship lasts a lifetime. True friendship can be felt within the heart and this creates a special bond between two people. When we are children we make new friends all the time including imaginary ones. But it is when we are growing we develop special friendships with very special people. I know many people but have only few relationships which I consider to be true friendships. These are people that I love and share my life with. I have a very few special friends that make me laugh, keep me strong, encourage me to achieve my goals and contribute to make me the person who I am today. Friendship is almost like an antagonistic progress. If one of the two are sad the other cheers them up and vice versa. There are many songs that acknowledge friendship and show how it works both ways. For example:

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on, for it won’t be long, ’til I’m going to need somebody to lean on.” ~ Lean on me
And my personal favourite which holds many emotional meanings for me,it still brings tears to my eyes when I hear it. It.s a song from the musical Wicked called For Good.
I hope you like this song I feel its a truely magical song that really depicts the true meaning of friendship. To hear it as part of the musical go to http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=MOxbNhB5dqg

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Friends are a critical component of our lives. Without them life can become monotonous. We need them in our childhood, teens and adulthood. They not only share our joy and happiness but sometimes our pain too. The painful times are what separate the real friends from the superficial ones. It is amazing how I have been friends with some people yet I cannot depend on them. Taking stock of some of my most recent experiences in life, it is very clear to me now who my real friends are. Whereas it may be true that I possibly can have a 100+ friends, but when it comes down to it, I can only probably rely on 2 or 3 friends to be there for me no matter what the situation demands of them. Funny how that works eh? Actually, I am not that surprised because proving one’s friendship is not an easy feat at all. I learned a lot of lessons from a friend in recent times. The most satisfying friendships are built on a foundation of balance and reciprocity. This belief would probably make sense if people close to you would not actually try to break your heart. I was trying to work things out for a friend but he was too blind and too shallow to see all the goodness from my intentions. I have changed a few things about myself because of him. I have learned to be selfish and also to think of myself first before anyone else. Much easier said than done, but all of my life I am so concerned about special people and their interests. It is such a terrible change to put my self’s needs ahead of his. It could be easy for him to go on failing things when I am actually trying my best to help him not to. I was devastated. I felt like my life long dream of building the foundation of our friendship had been crushed and that I was coming to a grinding halt. On his beckoning I did not lose heart. I got ready to understand him; I was not going to give up so easy. I never was a quitter. That time around, I was so forgiving. I tried to make things work now for both of us. I did not succeed. I gave up. I was devastated beyond words. I was embarrassed to tell him that all my efforts had amounted to nothing for the second time for he did not understand what’s going on. I don’t actually expect anything from him, it is better that way. But sometimes I wish I could make him understand that I am losing a part of my heart, leaving it bare every time I would show him that he means a lot to me so he could at least show some appreciation. But he never did, and I am thinking he never even once. I was hurt and so he is. I can forgive, I’m not sure if he can too.
The only question now is - are we still friends? Or the friendship is now over?

HAPPY (I'm Picking Up)

In the heat of the heartbreak, a new friendship starts to build up, unexpected and it promises a dazzling future. The emotional pain still lingers on me - there where it was, inside the heart. What could possibly make it a little lesser this time are the people who can make pain disappear and offer kindness. Life could be very tedious without them - an act of humanity spells out healing which is made obvious by their thoughtfulness match with emphaty, these are essentials for recovery. I knew that I have to forgive myself so I can forgive my offenders to be able to set free from the pain. I must experience what it feels like to be broken, endure the heartache and survive this struggle - in the end, I know I am picking up.

I remember all too well thinking that the people I value the most are the same people who broke my heart. The feeling is undeniably painful, they're all bringing on the heartbreak. Sometimes I still do worry that I wouldn't be able to heal - I fear that I will be forever stucked on this emotional burden, be stationary and fail to move on. But I take my perceptions with a grain of salt. After all, I haven't exactly proved myself to be a good judge in that regard. Somehow I've come to a point where I don't need to measure how much pain would there be in my heart or could it be at the end of this all, happiness matters. I know I am happy and well right now. I gave up a lot - my inspiration, friendships, a sense of community and security. But in return, I got my self back. I am picking up.

Cut My Heart Out…Please!

They don’t call it “heartbreak” for nothing. It’s not really about love or loving or falling in love with too many, too often. What hurts is the realization that I am giving up on everything. I was so wrong for believing what I do best would change a thing or my ideas about life are selling. I tried to change something or someone that was doomed from the beginning. Could I ever trust myself again? Could I still trust people, or will I forever wonder and wait for the world to end?
My heart really hurts. Sometimes a sharp pain like a knife, sometimes a dull pressure like someone was stepping on my chest, squeezing out all my breath. I needed to do something. Since I had no control over my tedious life, I felt that I needed to create a permanent reminder of the situation, leave the pain there and move on.
Inside my heart, I am heavily scarred, many of these scars are little reminders of heartbreaks past...no names or anything, but I know who they all remind me of. I needed to give up on everything so I could start living a different life I had not consciously experienced before. Perhaps I need to experience a new but same old kind of pain and mark to remember that specific realization. Cutting my heart into pieces seemed to be the correct medium...the symbolism, the bleeding...and I knew it wouldn’t stop. I will forever bleed. People might not notice this; I have mastered the art of covering up into perfection.
The decision was an obvious choice. What else but give up on everything and choose myself over anything else. Actually, I wanted it remembered by every person who made me lose grip, to let go rather than holding on. I want them to experience the same pain I am going through now so they would understand what it feels like to be betrayed, denied, used and lied to. Pain equaled with pain, heart to heart, because that was where the pain was. Though I have some beautiful scars from people who made me stronger for breaking my heart, I’ll hide them temporarily until I recover from this emotional pain. I am sure at one thing – I will get over this on my own, no more tears, no worries, and no sacrifices.
Cut my heart out please but leave one piece to me – I’ll endure the pain and survive with a more beautiful one someday.

LOser

Am I a loser or am I not?
"I dwell on the past. What was and what could have been. It's all gone now and the future looks boring.”
So I have been complaining that I don’t actually deal well much with my life, I am still as boring as usual, just a little less lame this time. Life sucks, I am so sick of giving people who I love emotional pain, it’s pathetic. Almost every word I say seems like a knife that cuts through the heart. I hate being like this. I want God to punish me.
In some eyes, I am cool. In some eyes, I am popular. In some eyes, I am ugly. In some eyes, I am beautiful. In some eyes, I am original. In some eyes, I am preppy. In some eyes, I am nerdy. In some eyes, I am sane. In some eyes, I am crazy. In some eyes, I am a loser. I won't object to any of those labels. I don't mind. Except the last one. That one I DO mind.
I am strong. I am unique. I am true to myself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but those are not characteristics of a loser. I may fail a test. I may screw up that friendship. I may be dumped. I may break down and cry in front of everyone. Does that make me a loser? No. It could. But I build up from the failure, I learn.
I am not a loser, not until I hurt you. What makes me a loser, you ask? The answer could be simple – I am sailing away from you.

A Heart Does Not Die

“A heart does not die, this is a human factor”.
Why does it hurt hurting you?
There are moments in life, you realize shit happens when you least expected. People could go wrong turning disappointment to regret. I was dumb fool to say a word that kindles strife, a word that wrecks your moral. I could have killed you just by telling cruel things. I was as bad as a thief for stealing your dignity from you. Forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive. There is no doubt about it. The biggest reason to your ability to move on and forgive is the love you have for yourself. If you ever want to be free from the misery you must first remove the pain and the hatred in your heart. You must make a choice to forgive -- not holding anything against your offenders. I also pray that this would not be especially difficult for you – find the joy of having good friends in your heart; don’t fear that forgiving would change a thing. To get rid of bitterness will not only change the way you relate to others, but will remove from your life something like a cancerous cell, which perhaps unknown to you, has been infecting everything you do. Drill a hole in my heart and tell me what you see. The die is cast. I dare you to respond.
Forgive me.

ALONE @Twenty Five (Thoughts About My Birthday)

I am turning 25, and I was never happy. 25 years of my existence which I never chose, it just happened, I was given no choice but to live a miserable life and be forever marooned in melancholy. Solitary rules and it seems everlasting. I am 25 and I couldn’t think of any possible way I can be happy. Happiness is an understatement. Looking back in the past and to the things I’ve done – everything flashes back like a bullet train and all that I see is an endless queue of despair. I was into hopelessness all of my life. To any who celebrates life on the day he was born to this world, happiness is a certain truth. Fondest memories are treasured; everything good is cherished but never to me. I have long accepted the impossibility of being happy – this is a way of life. I have to forget myself and be somebody I am not. I am not real. I fake everything that is a suggestion of a happy and content living. I am 25, unhappy, maybe cursed, but who is going to break the spell? Life isn’t a fairy tale. Cinderella and Snow White never really exist in real life. There is neither happy ending nor a prince charming. Life in a real sense is about the many failure and downfalls I had. There is no happily ever after, there’s only once upon a time. Hope was once an armor; I never did stop believing that in search for real happiness I could stumble on it, I was wrong – instead, I felt pain, I shed tears, I bled, and I died inside. It was so wrong to make myself believe in the things only created by falsehood and lies. My life never changes; the years are only hints about how I’ve been enduring the sorrow of being exactly what I am – ALONE.
Three days from now, I’ll be 25. What I could wish for myself would not change a thing so why ask for happiness. It’ll only add pain to a struggling heart and a dying soul. I’d rather wish for a minute of peace of mind, a moment to feel that I am worthy of the life I breathe. I’d ask for appreciation and admiration for what I am capable of doing – loving if not being loved.
I am turning 25, and I was never happy. I thought it was a choice but now it is fate.

The Significant One

The story of my life actually centers around "the significant one", contratry to what I always believe that melancholy would always detain me in gloom. At first thought or glance at me it seems like my idea about love is ultimately the totality and gruesomeness of rejections and failures I have in the pages of my life. In reality, it signifies "A Very Special Love" in that it tells you the bitter-sweet details of love without any lack of description and information. However, this ultimate adoration and emotion of the actual loving and love itself is not the main focal point of this unromantic tale. The real story centers on one awesome person, an acquaintance, and inspiration - that person is YOU.

You show the greatest heartwarming prowess of any of the people that surround me and you have the greatest emotion-controlling ability of all the people in the world. On an everyday account, you become special from the rest when you draw back from the ordinary and create a world marked by your personal detections and refuse to be dictated by the standards of life in order to survive. Not only you as the significant person able and exceptional from the rest, but you also ultimately had shaped the truth that you were chosen to brighten up my day as opposed to others' option of a dull and monotonous life. You know how important for you to be true in the middle of lies and dishonesty and gain great respect for doing so.

You can transform the world by your genuine thoughts and pure intentions, not because you are a peace advocate but because your character is so moving that it effects changes.

With you I won't weep, with you there's no sorrow. Because of you I broke free from melancholy. I see myself composed, jovial and humbled by your presence. I am pleased at this happening and therefore aim to show you how grateful I am for making me believe that melancholy always mirrors my life - sometimes it is only a state of mind.

Movies and F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Movies and Friends in some ways are alike. Friends always have warm and natural ways to put smile on your face. Movies in the same way play with your emotions, they can make you laugh, or the other way around - cry. Movies like friends come and go, but there are some that made marks in your heart and can be remembered for the rest of your life. Good and genuine friends are the big hits - they all give you unconditional love and affection which makes you feel complete like tickets fill the box office. There are only few of them, so never miss a good movie and never fail a good friend. Fake friends like terrible movies are flops. Most movies today are only good in the trailer - they can be deceiving like friends, they can be nice but can never be real.

Movies are classified according to genre, we prefer watching what makes us comfortable, a movie that is able to reach us inside - not just the typical tearjerker but one that gives us a clear view about what life is. Not just the usual funny movie but the one that teaches us how to be happy and making others gay. Not just the ordinary action-adventure movie but the one that offers life-learning lessons. Friends are like movies - if life is a game, we play it with friends. Friends take time to realize they all worth and perfect for each other. They meet you half way and never leave you behind.

Movies and Friends are what I live for. I prefer watching alone but I'm glad I've been with good friends while seeing some good movies.

"You are the One" - I watched it with Ms. Encenarez, had I been straight, she could be a perfcet girl for me.(lol)

"Shake, Rattle and Roll & Ouija": Ate Sharie (Ms. Carina Rafa) had been a very good companion when we watched these movies. Her screams could be heard from the next cinema.

"Enchanted": Ms. Rafa is with me here, together we enjoy being critics on the spot.

"Ang Cute Ng Ina Mo": An Ai-ia de las Alas starrer movie with Anne Curtis. I watched this with one of my best friends - Mitel. The movie is funny but I think she still got bored with it. Mitel and I have different ways looking at a movie. She doesn't like what I want, in the same way, I hate what she likes.

"Aliens vs. Predators", "Jumper" and "D-War": I've seen these movies with two of my favorite movie pals, Bryan and Robert Paolo. Watching alone could be good but watching with friends makes it perfectly fine.

Movies and Friends make Life perfect despite imperfections.

Life after Death

It has been more than a year already when I wrote Life after Death. I planned to write again about it before 2006 ends but I didn't have it published in my blog not because I didn't have time to do it but probably because there is something that will inspire me more in doing this. It was Wednesday morning when I first saw its commercial on a television, and to be honest, it certainly caught my attention, though I was very busy then. Was I surprised that Joross Gamboa is playing a gay role? Or I was just reminded by it of my own beautiful story? A story that ended bitterly-sweet. Just like Karen and Jordan's story has ended. People who sympathized the story might get into trouble in search for answers to these questions. Why did their love end that way? Why love isn't fair? Does love recognize sexuality and freedom? I stopped and tried to figure it out and I found the answers from the bottom of my heart.
Such love has to end though it is genuine or real simply because the world does not uphold the kind of love they had for each other. Though love does not recognize sexuality, that it caters to all kinds of people and that it depends on how love is given and perceived by the people who by any chance got into the bond of love; it must still come in a a way that it follows norms in the society depriving its freedom. I think love is either fair or unfair. Everybody hurts because of love. Once it's gone we want to stop living, we think it's the end of our dream love story. We wish we have never fallen in love if we will just be losing someone and we'll cry in the end. But what makes love fair? Love recognizes fairness and equality, that it continues to be always there waiting to be discovered. There is a right time for everything. We will find our match at the right time and at the right place.

One question still remains in my mind. Do I envy Karen? - I don't and never will I. It's been a year after Ken's death and how am I now? None of us is promised any easy magic ways to ease our pains and heartaches, and often it seems we must find our way alone through our brokenness. It was a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs of my emotions. It seemed I always have some kind of cross to bear and the weight of it cannot be shared. But I just wanted people to know that I was able to stand for love and helped myself forget the past. I dried my tears and I have made life easier for me as much as I could. Just the thought of having him for such a short period of time, thinking of him, praying for him and trusting to myself that all the things that's happened. I am sure there is my life after his death. I went back to life, eventually and surely, there will be light where there was darkness. I won't despair. I will get better and better everyday. I know I'm going through some changes now, like everything changes, so it is just a matter of time until this brokenness will be over and I will draw strength from the knowledge that even life has had a test on me, I survived, I carried on, and I will still live my life like I have never lived before.

Life after Death

What is Life after Death? Is there such? No one knows what awaits us after we die, no one has been able to die and go back and tell us a story of life after death. We usually hear and see from local talk shows interviews of people who had near death experiences, they all sounded interesting and realistic, but they were not enough for us to know what LIFE is after DEATH. Of course the Holy Bible promises us heaven if you have been good and you lived your life in a very Christian way, you go to Hell and burn your soul in opposite...but we will never know what is they usually say "The Life after Death", it remained still a mystery. Mysterious enough for us to believe that there is one who is responsible for all of these that continue inspires us to believe that there is life after death, we would not know what kind of life it is, where it is and how are we going to live this life, but we believe because of our Christian faith....it's becauLet me define Life after Death.

I had 19 days of happiness, sorrow, pain and true LOVE. I never thought in my whole life that it would be possible to commit myself to one person who accepted and loved me by overlooking who and what I am. He was a young man at eighteen, typical half Filipino, half Chinese from a neighboring town. When he came things changed, I never felt so happy, thrilled and fulfilled before until he became a part of me. He lied to me during the first two days of my 19 days, he told me he is going to visit an Aunt suffering from a complication of the heart, of course, it would not matter to me, it will never make a difference if he is in Pagbilao or in Manila so long as we have our communication since we started through text messages, this is what i have thought then. Wednesday, Dec. 7, the third day of my 19 days, he asked me what I am going to do if he told me it was not his Aunt who suffers from such ailment, it was him, instead. I didn't buy the question, i never answered directly, it frightened me. I had textmates before, but he was different, very different, i felt the sincerity in him, every word he sent me I would always believe so when he explained i started gathering my thoughts to answer back when he asked me the same question. According to him he needed an operation, his condition is very serious he always comes in and out of a hospital. Although I am afraid I told him it's OK, I would never leave him, I added. I believed he would survive as he promised he would always care for his condition and continue fighting until the operation is done. He was so happy then...very happy that things went all right for us. Days passed, we had fights of course, but we would always find ways to patch things up, i was so glad we are taking one another seriously. One night, after another argument, he told me he feels he is going to die, he described how does he feel during that night, it breaks my heart, I never knew what is real that time but i chose to believe, I prayed so hard that he would survived. I cried so much, i never felt such fear before...fear of losing someone you love. he told me he doesn't want to sleep, because when he does he thinks he would never wake up again, it made me cry even more, it was 2 am already, i told him not to give up, to pray, to hold on, to catch the attention of his sister, who during that time was sleeping away from him. He told me he couldn't, he feels so numb...he can't move his arms, his body...he really doesn't want to sleep but his eyes feel like closing already...i didn't receive his reply anymore, I cried so hard...i cried a river. I wasn't able to sleep, when the morn broke i dialled his number, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...attempts nobody answers the phone. I was so afraid, until his sister answered. She told me he is sleeping, but his condition is now worse than before. I felt relaxed, but still afraid. He had a good team of doctors, I was so happy when he told me he now has his schedule for his operation. Things went so right again for Him and I, we just waited for Jan 08 to come so that after his operation we would see each other, we have so many plans, beautiful plans, plans that will never be realized anymore.

I have been careful always so that I would not affect his condition, I love him so much, but another fight came, this time I almost give up, I started thinking that everything is a lie, he explained, i blamed, he explained harder, i pushed him. I told him that i would believe everything he said if he would see me that day(dec. 22). He got so affected by my words that he felt so bad, he told me that all the while I never believed him. I remembered his condition so I explained, he blamed, i explained harder, he never listened until he said goodbye again, he said, he always feel he would never live longer anymore, i felt bad. He told me he bacame so happy when I came, that I was his source of his strength, that he was fighting for me although he suffers a lot. I knew he had suffered so much pain, pain coming from shots of needles, he once told me that he has been electrocuted by the electric medical machine we usually see in television and movies when one is dieing, they all broke my heart. I caused him more pain for not believing in what he said. He didn't answer anymore again. I went home and I was so positive that the next time he texts me things would be fine. He didn't text, so I did, I told him I am going to text him a little later that night, I knew he would not be able to answer because ha ran out of load, i knew that time this unlimited promo that he was enrolled with expired already. I planned to send him load, but i never did, i changed my mind and i texted him instead. I told him that I am going to text him the next day. I told him that i love him, i really do I swear to God. I have no idea that during those times, he was arguing with his older brother who became a father to them already since they parents separated. He asked permission if I could visit him and see him on Christmas Day. Jojo, his brother did not allow the idea, this broke his heart, he pulled his oxygen mask off from his mouth so he could speak, he only writes what he has to say. This caused him to breathe hard, doctors came immeadiately and were able to put back the mask to his mouth but it was too late already. He was slowly dieing, I was able to know all of these because of his cousin who then arrived and witnessed everything, she was the one also who gave His letter and picture he prepared before he died 3 in the morning of december 23. The next day, Danica, his sister, informed me that he died, i never believed her, who would want to believe anyway? I called her, we talked and i found out it was true, I cried so much, He died because of me, I blamed myself, i regret the time that I should be talking to him that night before he died. I remembered, it was because I demanded him to see me, that is why he fought for me from his brother. I didn't know what to do, they didn't allow me to go there and see him. Jojo blamed himself too, he hated me beacuse he lost his brother. He told me in his letter that he really loved me, that he chose not to said goodbye that night before he died because it only breaks his heart to know that he is going to leave me, instead he wrote a letter for me. The letter told me that he would not really leave me, he will always stay beside me and never let other people hurt me. His words tore my heart apart...i cried a river again. He is now gone and I cannot do something here, they didn't allow me to see him until the last time he was burried today. I did my best, i begged so much, his sisters can't do something also, they told me they can't talk to Jojo. I talked to a real friend, he told me to let go and move on. He explained that God had a reason that he made us meet and make one another happy, that God has better plans for us. He told me that I was so lucky i have met him, very lucky that i was able to loved him and he was able to loved me. I should not stop loving, although the world does not uphold that kind of love we had that is why it ended, he added. He also told me that something good will come out after the experience, i just have to wait. I am eager to know what is it, is it the new friendship that is about to grow between me and his brother, Jojo? God is so good, he allowed me to talked to Jojo which i really wished. I need to say sorry for what happened, i asked forgiveness, he forgives me just this afternoon, he told me he loves his brother so much that he can always find way to forgive me. I thanked God for allowing this to happen. I knew he would be very happy to know that we are now okey. I told Jojo that I really wanted to visit his tomb, he said he would think about it. I knew that in God's time he would let me. It is important for me to visit him, I would tell him that I really love him, that i would never forget him. To you MARK KEN TAN who loved me so much and and so true, thank you very much i will never forget you, never in a single moment of my life, thank you for the memories. Forgive me I can't do more things to you, but i really loved you. Wherever you are, i knew you are happy now.
I remember a line from one beautiful Filipino essay, "cut a branch of a tree, and you will see the marks that bolo has left on the branch, but time will come that new branch will spring that will give new blossoms, new flowers and new fragrance. I considered myself a branch, wounded. Time will heal all wounds, it would leave marks and scratches but in my heart, will spring new hope, new life new beginning. Life after Death for me is ourlives themselves, we continue living to inspire, to care, to give hope and to love. We should never stop living after a death of a beloved one instead we should move on and let all the memories be our weapon to survive all the circumstances that life will give us. Life is a gift, so precious, so important. Let us live our lives to the fullest.

Today i let go of the past, of the pain, the sorrow and the suffering but I will hold onto Ken's memories, I will move on 'till i love again. This is my Life after his death.
Be with me always, Mark Ken.

A Return to Where It Feels Like Home

It is a tranquil summer afternoon. I just happened to be here in this school, and I felt a sudden wind of melancholy, and thought I could take a detour from my hectic routine and steal my way to the classroom that I knew so well. Well, honestly, my heart asked me to go there, because I might find something worthwhile. I don’t know what it’s all about.
The corridor is a very different place without people in it. Nothing but the sounds of my quick steps and the trees rustling and swaying gently to the breeze. I was here for three years, but I never did hear them – nor cared to – not with all the noise and daily goings-on. Neither had I cast eyes upon the grounds from a contemplative and reflective perspective (an attempt of assonance?). The pale white walls seem to echo the voices of countless students that have come and gone. I trained my eyes on a window of an empty classroom – 7 Truth, and I thought I clearly heard the familiar voices of my students…the voice of a man trying to get an idea across in a sea of chatter from those empty chairs – thought I heard my own voice. I wander towards the other door at the end of the classroom and imagine the stampede of footsteps…and more chatter fading slowly into the melancholy of the wind.
Now I stand before this door like a stranger about to open it for the last time. I am surprised that it’s my first time I felt down in the dumps of seeing this empty room that is used to be very busy in the past years. I came inside and felt even more downhearted – I’ll never be here again. I am leaving this room that for three years become my home. I may be leaving but I’ll be bringing with me the numerous memories I shared with my adored students. With an achy heart I’ll bear this truth in my heart – what’s gone and done can never be brought back again. I’ll miss you all!

MORBID

Burry me deep under because I am dead, I died when I chose to die. Burry me deep under and never remember so I can forget that once you came along and left me too soon. Dig my pit and burry me deep under, cover me not with earth but forgotten memories. Burry me, forget me for eternity. I am alive. I am dead. I live to die. Burry me deep. Thrust me to my pit of sorrow, pain and heartaches and let them feast on my heart and soul like worms feast on a corpse’s body. Shed no tear, you are not worthy grieving. I am alive, I am dead inside. Soon I’ll die, will you burry me?
I am broken and pieces of me are scattered in the past. I can’t make myself whole again. I tried hard but I always go back to where I started losing every piece of my heart. It seemed to me that I am forever trapped in my past and I just can’t move on. I can’t because I don’t want to. I chose to always endure the pain, bear sorrow and cry tears at night. I don’t want to stop the pain; I always wanted to be hurt. If I stop, this would mean the start of gathering every piece of me and fix me to become the way I used to be. I don’t want to be whole again only to realize that you are forever gone. I want to keep my seemingly never-ending brokenness; at least I am stronger though broken.

Lost And Found

One moment I’m here and another I’m lost far out my own universe. The heartaches emptied my emotions, killed my soul and the pain made me sick in the head. I should be numb by now but why do I still feel the pain of saying goodbye? I let go when I’m still holding on and now my world falls apart. I’m shattered and I know I am going through another seemingly never-ending brokenness.

I’m alone, I chose to be one. No one’s with me. I’m all alone. I’m no better than another dead angel. Alive as I may seem, breathing, my heart beats but I’m dead inside. I died last night.
Would you care to resurrect me from the dead?
Saying goodbye is such a bitter-sweet act, parting is rather painful. A conspiracy between the heart and the mind commissioned my being to put into end anything that is too good to be true.
I hear the sound of silence; it’s getting louder and louder as I lay into calmness. Too loud that it hit me in the brain and made me more sick in the head. Where are you now?
Here I am now in a world I got used to be. Familiar as I am but I’ve become a stranger – still lost and will choose to be forever lost until someone found me and bring me back to where I really belong.

Fool Again

OOL AGAIN
I never knew I am once again becoming too melancholic about the things happening around me until I bumped into a thought of singing Westlife’s FOOL AGAIN. I know I am okay and things just happen for a reason but suddenly I feel like singing it, I got the notion of downloading its lyrics and perhaps ask the computer man at a nearby internet café to burn a CD for me, why…
Cause I am. Fool again.
Fool me.
Lately I have been so busy with my life, because I chose to be one. I can get as busy as I want because I do it purposely, I don’t want to see things in a different way. I still try to live my life the way it was before though things have already changed. I avoided truth but truth has constantly reminded me that things are different now. I know I have to deal with melancholy; it started to get into my nerves already. It affects me that am for sure, in the same way it affects people around but I never did. I never knew how, how I was to know? I am fool again. Fool me.
I can’t believe that I am a fool again…the song says. Three days ago I told a class that happiness is a choice. We can always choose to be happy. Choosing to be one does not necessarily mean that we have to forget all the things that made us felt so bad. Choosing to be happy is putting your life into its right perspective so as to find solutions to our problems. Now I feel like there is nothing true with the things I taught them. Why it is so hard to teach yourself the things you teach to other people? Why it so hard to be happy?
I let myself believe that I am happy, but in doing so, I started to live in a world of lies. I tried to find the truth, just like finding light when it is dark, finding my way when I am lost, trying to hold on tight when I lost grip, hoping when I am dreaming and I found out at the end I am a fool again.
Now I know I am morbid. But I won’t let morbidity eat me up alive. Like a child running, stumbled and fell down, crying in pain, a mother comes to comfort, I will find ways to ease the pain. Yesterday I bade goodbye to a friend who died. Two days ago I freed myself from the feelings that locked me up for a long time in sadness. Today I claim for freedom. Fool I may be but its just one way of making me understand everyone and myself.
Guess what I am going to do tonight? I will listen to “I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel. …I still love what’s gone….
Fool again. Fool me.

A Hard Way To Your Heart (Especially for You)

I did not give it a second thought. Yes, I am coming into a suggestion that I am only good at making my life dejected. No one in the world could tell that I am like one - I could fake a smile, give an empty grin or just sound a phony laughter. Life has countless reasons to be happy with it, just as it has countless reasons to be hurt - worst is when fate plays the biggest irony in life. It is easier to get hurt than become blissful.
You probably be asking why on earth I am once more talking about my own misery and that I am trying to be melancholic again - well i am obsessed with it. Despair can be clearly spelled out from my life, I am always uncertain what to feel everytime I deal with it.
It is very dreadful not knowing how to be happy. Life has many surprises, most of them are accidentals and we are simply caught unprepared. Love could save me, only trouble is love isn't there. Maybe it isn't really for me. I could easily fall for someone but realize it's hard to find a way to the heart. The significant other in an instant becomes my world. Maybe I should consider what a friend told me about loving; I've been in this state over and over but it seems I don't get tired of loving. Being lovesick becomes my addiction. Am I really hoping for something that I know might not even exist in my life? Could this be love? Is there really something heroic with enduring countless heartaches? What about tears that flooded my eyes? Are those for real?
No matter how many times I have been fooled and laughed at, I won't stop loving - even if loving could be the hardest way to your heart, I'd still do it. It could be ironic but it's true. I could not love you the way what real love should be. I just can't. The world does not uphold this kind of love I have for you. Love like life is so harsh but I'm still part of this game.
If the world will end tomorrow and the only thing that can save me is an elevator, I will look for you in a matter of seconds – leaving the elevator empty and useless. Maybe we will both live – and still come out smiling.