Friday, April 24, 2009

I Lament Too


It often seems easier to just stuff my pain deep within instead of facing it and lamenting it. I’m learning this very week that in the long run, it is best to lament, to be vulnerable with safe people, and to ask for help and forgiveness. This is the only way to be set free from my past, my sin, my darkness, my pain!
So I am lamenting a possibility of losing a friend. A life of escaping reality and a fear of being less intimate with other people. As a person, I chose to escape my pain, fear, hurt, loneliness, and rejection from others by giving a personal judgment that I don’t really exist or I never existed at all. The idea of it intensified over time and in a state of never being accepted and hurt over and over makes me wanting pain more, more, and more - I feared the next step - stepping out of my normal kind of life and never believe that I will be able to free myself from this melancholic state.
Who do I trust enough with this fear? I am so afraid, so ashamed to admit that through time I made a mistake or two. I am feeling so stumpy, thinking that I caused you pain. I never knew what you kept inside and chose to never let me know that you are hurting. I didn’t understand this, the decision of keeping a distance perhaps you made gives more confusion – this made me sick in the head. My current lament is the realization that I am filed with so much fear of losing you as a friend. The pain it causes builds a blockage for recovery.
I am powerless to make you understand that I didn’t mean what you thought it was. I cry my heart out loud; I knew I shouted it thunderous but even I didn’t hear myself. My mistake, if it really was is so grievous and hurtful to myself and to you. Perhaps I am undeserving of your love and mercy. Yet, you lavishly have given forgiveness, your understanding, to take my place and receive the punishment I am so deserving of. I have been thinking only of myself instead of making you feel you are important. How far away from you can I get in doing so? Will you hear what my heart wants to tell you? Like you, I also lament because…
I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am feeling pain.
I am afraid.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I am crying.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Onto Missing Someone


Have you ever missed someone and felt terrible because you cannot do something about it? Missing someone is terrible but at the same time a sweet feeling. You will be sitting around wondering if you meant something to the significant other person. Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her. Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise you by appearing downstairs. Sitting in front of the television but thinking of her/him missing the final episode of your favorite show. Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future. You always log on to the internet hoping to see him/her online, when you realize that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, you will start worrying if he/she is okay. Missing someone is a way of growing up I guess. It exposes you to loneliness. It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness. Sometimes it feels good to miss someone. You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her. But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible. You feel as if you are being left alone. So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know. At the same time, ask if they miss you. Missing someone doesn’t have to be a significant person in your life, or the one to whom your heart belongs – we miss our friends, we all do. Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will be together again.