Monday, December 28, 2009

Alone, but not Lonely

There are many people I know who just shudder at the thought of being alone. For them, it is akin to being lonely, abandoned, unloved and even rejected by the world at large. Being basically a loner, I am often given funny labels for my intrinsic need to be alone most of the time. Hermit, reclusive, ‘solitary reaper’, self indulgent, weirdo... as you can see, it doesn’t get any better.

Believe me, it is not exactly pretty to explain that ‘alone is not lonely’ but a rather blessed state, and I love my solitude as much as the company of few good people in my life. Some people freak out when I tell them that I frequently go for a movie alone, eat at a restaurant alone and often set out on a vacation alone, without needing or wanting anyone’s company. And I do not consider myself unlovable or rejected by the world when I am enjoying a solitary lunch at my favourite cafĂ©.

If you are also one of those who are still singing solo songs, then I am sure there are times when well-meaning friends and relatives have asked you about your perceived loneliness. And if you are like me, you would agree that even if we are alone and single, we can enjoy our solitary pursuits without feeling lonely, sad and waiting desperately to fling ourselves at Cupid’s feet in tearful gratitude at the first given chance.

All this doesn’t mean that I never feel lonely. I do. There are times when I have ‘heart flakes’ for breakfast! But I have learned the difference between ‘alone’ and ‘lonely.' I have also discovered that there are as many ‘ups’ in going solo as there are the ‘downs,' and I have, more or less, become skilled at balancing them out.

However, without intellectualizing, theorizing and analyzing singlehood too much, I would like to learn why is there such mortal fear of being alone? It is only when we are alone that we are able to regain our scattered energies, withdraw them from objects of anxieties and become centered enough to get in touch with our inner selves. The more we look at external supports to pull us out of the misery of loneliness, the deeper we get into it. When we are surrounded by solitude, all external support is abandoned, and we are alone and facing ourselves. We learn to trust our instincts, discover the profound silences of our heart and tune in to our deeper vibrations. Being alone does not necessarily mean that we are lonely and without a companion, in fact, it means we have the ability to do it on our own.

Loneliness is a malady. It can be triggered by a range of things from simple physical exhaustion to major loss. It can vary from a feeling of sadness at a loved one’s absence or a feeling of being excluded from an important event to a heart-breaking, all encompassing feeling of desolation and loss. We all have our moments when loneliness find us defenseless and wanting. But when we learn to comprehend the triggers and root causes of loneliness, we ascertain how to handle it effectively. When we are alone and are enjoying it, we shun the wretchedness of feeling lonely and move from living on the surface of life to living a more elevating one. We send out a message that we have got grit, spirits and guts, and even if the world deserts us, we are there for ourselves.

On the other hand, we must know that loneliness does not arise out of isolation from others. It is when we are isolated from ourselves that loneliness makes its presence felt. It is the distracted and fragmentary life that we live that makes us feel lonely and prevents us from living in the present moment; because when we are feeling lonely, our mind is crowded with internal dialogues, memories of the past and apprehensions about the future.

I feel absolutely alone and I am holding out my heart now.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

One Day...

One day I will be happy… it is not this day, nor tomorrow… yet I know one day it will be so…

I know not what is the meaning behind this sadness… this daily pain… I feel as if my angel is crying…

I hear not his cries… I miss his sweet voice… I miss his embrace…

One day I will be free… it is not this day, nor tomorrow… yet I know one day it will be so…

I know not the reason for these feelings… I may be sad… but I am alright. It is not the sadness that bothers. It is something sweeter, deeper… I can not explain further, one day I will understand. I know one day....

One Day I Will:

Take off my mask and just be ME.
Take my clothes on for a smaller size.
Wear a single digit size.
Graduate master's degree.
Find genuine happiness.
Get my own place with my dog.
Live in a farm.
Figure out who I want to be.
Be someone I can live with.
Not get winded when walking my dog.
Teach my dog to walk properly.
Stop yelling at people at work.
Fall in love.
Look in the mirror and not cringe.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


My heart wanted to die.
Tears ran down my face and emptied my emotions. Being like this is never new – a friend once told that I am good at this. I feel pain and my heart couldn’t contain. Pain becomes a constant condition I always deal with. There is no holding back of this thinking, it is given in any situation, decision and actions I do. These all mean only one thing – a curse of glumness.
Most often, I don’t understand why drama does follow me, now it’s clear – I like it. Pain like love becomes a decision I make everyday. Happy thoughts could salvage me from this never-ending melancholic state, but these weren’t enough to tantamount each and every pain I feel. Sometimes the pain could be as excruciating as sharp razor blade that could peel my skin off. I wanted to scream for help but no one would hear me. I wanted someone to rescue me and transform everything into totally different state of affairs. Me – born again, this is what I wanted.
People probably won’t understand why I thought of these things. Every person born to this world is bound to following norms and standards. Life’s rules in general may not sound as strict as they could be but society dictates what’s right and what’s wrong and you can only be right to belong. When one becomes different that’s when unkindness happens. Not all people would understand why there are some people who could be different, those who could brave the odds and break rules and traditions, those whose tries are outside those perfect lines, those who they can’t read because actions are unwritten. Society conditions us not to make mistakes but there are some who can’t live this way – some may have chosen to live a life this way and some are just victims of circumstances. They get wounded by people’s judgment. People judge effortlessly; they could break somebody’s heart, destroy someone’s reputation and dignity and condemn you with so much anger and resentment without so much thinking and contemplation. It’s hard to admit, though, if you may ask, YES is my sounding answer. I get wounded too. I lament. I suffer. I bleed. I whimper too.
These explicate what my heart desires – it wanted to die. If only I could still breathe and stay alive if I let my heart die, I would have done it – let it depart its life and be obscured with only happy reminiscences. It is so broken it deserves to retire and heal with gladness. At the last stroke of its beat, it’ll only remember good things, good people and good memories. When it dies, pain will stop. I’ll be numb. I’ll be alright.
A dead heart makes a dead body, it’s entirely impossible to let my heart die. Though it bears so much pain it will live to tell the tale of brokenness and how it survived life and people’s unkindness.
Mathematics says double negatives makes a positive, my heart believes pain when equaled with pain gives a spark of hope – which will lead to happiness. It couldn’t be now, I know, I can only look forward to happy days. They’re coming. I will still endure pain but with a different standpoint this time. My heart knows who and what can make it smile anyway. I’ll drench my heart and myself in things unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. My heart starts another story today and the rest is still unwritten.

Friday, May 8, 2009

If We Meet Again, Be Brave, Be Brave...

Why does drama seem to follow me? I wasn't looking for the drama, only a true friend.
It’s 2:30Am and I have yet to sleep. Stumbling through ghostly conscience haunting my being as a person, a son, and a friend – what do these mean to me until I have a hard time knowning the difference anymore.
It becomes increasingly difficult for me to let go. When asked about my biggest regret so far, my typical answer is that I should have let go, and not hold on. When I should have ducked and ran for cover, I instead would stay, clinging to whatever was shooting. By whatever, I mean whoever, naturally.
But it’s been long enough that now those moments are less severe, for me anyway. The above answer seems innocent. I believe that time has evolved that innocence. I believe I have lived long enough, seen enough, encountered enough, done enough that now I can firmly say my biggest regret is my actions. Which, well, is a downer.
It will break my heart, I know but I am more than geared up for this. Or maybe I am just making it easier for me to lose a friend. Losing a friend could mean death to me – forever melancholy. I did expect there to be a sincere friendship. Now, I wonder how he could not believe in a friendship built from a shared experience? I’ve said before that forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive.
I am so sorry.

Friday, April 24, 2009

I Lament Too

It often seems easier to just stuff my pain deep within instead of facing it and lamenting it. I’m learning this very week that in the long run, it is best to lament, to be vulnerable with safe people, and to ask for help and forgiveness. This is the only way to be set free from my past, my sin, my darkness, my pain!
So I am lamenting a possibility of losing a friend. A life of escaping reality and a fear of being less intimate with other people. As a person, I chose to escape my pain, fear, hurt, loneliness, and rejection from others by giving a personal judgment that I don’t really exist or I never existed at all. The idea of it intensified over time and in a state of never being accepted and hurt over and over makes me wanting pain more, more, and more - I feared the next step - stepping out of my normal kind of life and never believe that I will be able to free myself from this melancholic state.
Who do I trust enough with this fear? I am so afraid, so ashamed to admit that through time I made a mistake or two. I am feeling so stumpy, thinking that I caused you pain. I never knew what you kept inside and chose to never let me know that you are hurting. I didn’t understand this, the decision of keeping a distance perhaps you made gives more confusion – this made me sick in the head. My current lament is the realization that I am filed with so much fear of losing you as a friend. The pain it causes builds a blockage for recovery.
I am powerless to make you understand that I didn’t mean what you thought it was. I cry my heart out loud; I knew I shouted it thunderous but even I didn’t hear myself. My mistake, if it really was is so grievous and hurtful to myself and to you. Perhaps I am undeserving of your love and mercy. Yet, you lavishly have given forgiveness, your understanding, to take my place and receive the punishment I am so deserving of. I have been thinking only of myself instead of making you feel you are important. How far away from you can I get in doing so? Will you hear what my heart wants to tell you? Like you, I also lament because…
I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am feeling pain.
I am afraid.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I am crying.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Onto Missing Someone

Have you ever missed someone and felt terrible because you cannot do something about it? Missing someone is terrible but at the same time a sweet feeling. You will be sitting around wondering if you meant something to the significant other person. Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her. Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise you by appearing downstairs. Sitting in front of the television but thinking of her/him missing the final episode of your favorite show. Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future. You always log on to the internet hoping to see him/her online, when you realize that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, you will start worrying if he/she is okay. Missing someone is a way of growing up I guess. It exposes you to loneliness. It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness. Sometimes it feels good to miss someone. You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her. But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible. You feel as if you are being left alone. So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know. At the same time, ask if they miss you. Missing someone doesn’t have to be a significant person in your life, or the one to whom your heart belongs – we miss our friends, we all do. Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because, even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will be together again.