HAPPY (I'm Picking Up)

In the heat of the heartbreak, a new friendship starts to build up, unexpected and it promises a dazzling future. The emotional pain still lingers on me - there where it was, inside the heart. What could possibly make it a little lesser this time are the people who can make pain disappear and offer kindness. Life could be very tedious without them - an act of humanity spells out healing which is made obvious by their thoughtfulness match with emphaty, these are essentials for recovery. I knew that I have to forgive myself so I can forgive my offenders to be able to set free from the pain. I must experience what it feels like to be broken, endure the heartache and survive this struggle - in the end, I know I am picking up.

I remember all too well thinking that the people I value the most are the same people who broke my heart. The feeling is undeniably painful, they're all bringing on the heartbreak. Sometimes I still do worry that I wouldn't be able to heal - I fear that I will be forever stucked on this emotional burden, be stationary and fail to move on. But I take my perceptions with a grain of salt. After all, I haven't exactly proved myself to be a good judge in that regard. Somehow I've come to a point where I don't need to measure how much pain would there be in my heart or could it be at the end of this all, happiness matters. I know I am happy and well right now. I gave up a lot - my inspiration, friendships, a sense of community and security. But in return, I got my self back. I am picking up.

Cut My Heart Out…Please!

They don’t call it “heartbreak” for nothing. It’s not really about love or loving or falling in love with too many, too often. What hurts is the realization that I am giving up on everything. I was so wrong for believing what I do best would change a thing or my ideas about life are selling. I tried to change something or someone that was doomed from the beginning. Could I ever trust myself again? Could I still trust people, or will I forever wonder and wait for the world to end?
My heart really hurts. Sometimes a sharp pain like a knife, sometimes a dull pressure like someone was stepping on my chest, squeezing out all my breath. I needed to do something. Since I had no control over my tedious life, I felt that I needed to create a permanent reminder of the situation, leave the pain there and move on.
Inside my heart, I am heavily scarred, many of these scars are little reminders of heartbreaks past...no names or anything, but I know who they all remind me of. I needed to give up on everything so I could start living a different life I had not consciously experienced before. Perhaps I need to experience a new but same old kind of pain and mark to remember that specific realization. Cutting my heart into pieces seemed to be the correct medium...the symbolism, the bleeding...and I knew it wouldn’t stop. I will forever bleed. People might not notice this; I have mastered the art of covering up into perfection.
The decision was an obvious choice. What else but give up on everything and choose myself over anything else. Actually, I wanted it remembered by every person who made me lose grip, to let go rather than holding on. I want them to experience the same pain I am going through now so they would understand what it feels like to be betrayed, denied, used and lied to. Pain equaled with pain, heart to heart, because that was where the pain was. Though I have some beautiful scars from people who made me stronger for breaking my heart, I’ll hide them temporarily until I recover from this emotional pain. I am sure at one thing – I will get over this on my own, no more tears, no worries, and no sacrifices.
Cut my heart out please but leave one piece to me – I’ll endure the pain and survive with a more beautiful one someday.

LOser

Am I a loser or am I not?
"I dwell on the past. What was and what could have been. It's all gone now and the future looks boring.”
So I have been complaining that I don’t actually deal well much with my life, I am still as boring as usual, just a little less lame this time. Life sucks, I am so sick of giving people who I love emotional pain, it’s pathetic. Almost every word I say seems like a knife that cuts through the heart. I hate being like this. I want God to punish me.
In some eyes, I am cool. In some eyes, I am popular. In some eyes, I am ugly. In some eyes, I am beautiful. In some eyes, I am original. In some eyes, I am preppy. In some eyes, I am nerdy. In some eyes, I am sane. In some eyes, I am crazy. In some eyes, I am a loser. I won't object to any of those labels. I don't mind. Except the last one. That one I DO mind.
I am strong. I am unique. I am true to myself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but those are not characteristics of a loser. I may fail a test. I may screw up that friendship. I may be dumped. I may break down and cry in front of everyone. Does that make me a loser? No. It could. But I build up from the failure, I learn.
I am not a loser, not until I hurt you. What makes me a loser, you ask? The answer could be simple – I am sailing away from you.

A Heart Does Not Die

“A heart does not die, this is a human factor”.
Why does it hurt hurting you?
There are moments in life, you realize shit happens when you least expected. People could go wrong turning disappointment to regret. I was dumb fool to say a word that kindles strife, a word that wrecks your moral. I could have killed you just by telling cruel things. I was as bad as a thief for stealing your dignity from you. Forgiveness comes from those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, and to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed. I wish to take the command of forgiveness to your heart but you find yourself crippled by this past hurts. You feel “wounded” and believe that before you will be able to forgive me you first need to go through a period of recovery. I hope you don’t become preoccupied with injury caused by the emotional pain I gave you. I pray that you don’t hold onto bitterness so it would only take a little time to recover from your emotional hurt which would also mean taking a little time to forgive. There is no doubt about it. The biggest reason to your ability to move on and forgive is the love you have for yourself. If you ever want to be free from the misery you must first remove the pain and the hatred in your heart. You must make a choice to forgive -- not holding anything against your offenders. I also pray that this would not be especially difficult for you – find the joy of having good friends in your heart; don’t fear that forgiving would change a thing. To get rid of bitterness will not only change the way you relate to others, but will remove from your life something like a cancerous cell, which perhaps unknown to you, has been infecting everything you do. Drill a hole in my heart and tell me what you see. The die is cast. I dare you to respond.
Forgive me.

ALONE @Twenty Five (Thoughts About My Birthday)

I am turning 25, and I was never happy. 25 years of my existence which I never chose, it just happened, I was given no choice but to live a miserable life and be forever marooned in melancholy. Solitary rules and it seems everlasting. I am 25 and I couldn’t think of any possible way I can be happy. Happiness is an understatement. Looking back in the past and to the things I’ve done – everything flashes back like a bullet train and all that I see is an endless queue of despair. I was into hopelessness all of my life. To any who celebrates life on the day he was born to this world, happiness is a certain truth. Fondest memories are treasured; everything good is cherished but never to me. I have long accepted the impossibility of being happy – this is a way of life. I have to forget myself and be somebody I am not. I am not real. I fake everything that is a suggestion of a happy and content living. I am 25, unhappy, maybe cursed, but who is going to break the spell? Life isn’t a fairy tale. Cinderella and Snow White never really exist in real life. There is neither happy ending nor a prince charming. Life in a real sense is about the many failure and downfalls I had. There is no happily ever after, there’s only once upon a time. Hope was once an armor; I never did stop believing that in search for real happiness I could stumble on it, I was wrong – instead, I felt pain, I shed tears, I bled, and I died inside. It was so wrong to make myself believe in the things only created by falsehood and lies. My life never changes; the years are only hints about how I’ve been enduring the sorrow of being exactly what I am – ALONE.
Three days from now, I’ll be 25. What I could wish for myself would not change a thing so why ask for happiness. It’ll only add pain to a struggling heart and a dying soul. I’d rather wish for a minute of peace of mind, a moment to feel that I am worthy of the life I breathe. I’d ask for appreciation and admiration for what I am capable of doing – loving if not being loved.
I am turning 25, and I was never happy. I thought it was a choice but now it is fate.