I Lament Too

It often seems easier to just stuff my pain deep within instead of facing it and lamenting it. I’m learning this very week that in the long run, it is best to lament, to be vulnerable with safe people, and to ask for help and forgiveness. This is the only way to be set free from my past, my sin, my darkness, my pain!
So I am lamenting a possibility of losing a friend. A life of escaping reality and a fear of being less intimate with other people. As a person, I chose to escape my pain, fear, hurt, loneliness, and rejection from others by giving a personal judgment that I don’t really exist or I never existed at all. The idea of it intensified over time and in a state of never being accepted and hurt over and over makes me wanting pain more, more, and more - I feared the next step - stepping out of my normal kind of life and never believe that I will be able to free myself from this melancholic state.
Who do I trust enough with this fear? I am so afraid, so ashamed to admit that through time I made a mistake or two. I am feeling so stumpy, thinking that I caused you pain. I never knew what you kept inside and chose to never let me know that you are hurting. I didn’t understand this, the decision of keeping a distance perhaps you made gives more confusion – this made me sick in the head. My current lament is the realization that I am filed with so much fear of losing you as a friend. The pain it causes builds a blockage for recovery.
I am powerless to make you understand that I didn’t mean what you thought it was. I cry my heart out loud; I knew I shouted it thunderous but even I didn’t hear myself. My mistake, if it really was is so grievous and hurtful to myself and to you. Perhaps I am undeserving of your love and mercy. Yet, you lavishly have given forgiveness, your understanding, to take my place and receive the punishment I am so deserving of. I have been thinking only of myself instead of making you feel you are important. How far away from you can I get in doing so? Will you hear what my heart wants to tell you? Like you, I also lament because…
I am broken.
I am hurt.
I am feeling pain.
I am afraid.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I am crying.