Saturday, May 9, 2009

Unwritten


Unwritten
My heart wanted to die.
Tears ran down my face and emptied my emotions. Being like this is never new – a friend once told that I am good at this. I feel pain and my heart couldn’t contain. Pain becomes a constant condition I always deal with. There is no holding back of this thinking, it is given in any situation, decision and actions I do. These all mean only one thing – a curse of glumness.
Most often, I don’t understand why drama does follow me, now it’s clear – I like it. Pain like love becomes a decision I make everyday. Happy thoughts could salvage me from this never-ending melancholic state, but these weren’t enough to tantamount each and every pain I feel. Sometimes the pain could be as excruciating as sharp razor blade that could peel my skin off. I wanted to scream for help but no one would hear me. I wanted someone to rescue me and transform everything into totally different state of affairs. Me – born again, this is what I wanted.
People probably won’t understand why I thought of these things. Every person born to this world is bound to following norms and standards. Life’s rules in general may not sound as strict as they could be but society dictates what’s right and what’s wrong and you can only be right to belong. When one becomes different that’s when unkindness happens. Not all people would understand why there are some people who could be different, those who could brave the odds and break rules and traditions, those whose tries are outside those perfect lines, those who they can’t read because actions are unwritten. Society conditions us not to make mistakes but there are some who can’t live this way – some may have chosen to live a life this way and some are just victims of circumstances. They get wounded by people’s judgment. People judge effortlessly; they could break somebody’s heart, destroy someone’s reputation and dignity and condemn you with so much anger and resentment without so much thinking and contemplation. It’s hard to admit, though, if you may ask, YES is my sounding answer. I get wounded too. I lament. I suffer. I bleed. I whimper too.
These explicate what my heart desires – it wanted to die. If only I could still breathe and stay alive if I let my heart die, I would have done it – let it depart its life and be obscured with only happy reminiscences. It is so broken it deserves to retire and heal with gladness. At the last stroke of its beat, it’ll only remember good things, good people and good memories. When it dies, pain will stop. I’ll be numb. I’ll be alright.
A dead heart makes a dead body, it’s entirely impossible to let my heart die. Though it bears so much pain it will live to tell the tale of brokenness and how it survived life and people’s unkindness.
Mathematics says double negatives makes a positive, my heart believes pain when equaled with pain gives a spark of hope – which will lead to happiness. It couldn’t be now, I know, I can only look forward to happy days. They’re coming. I will still endure pain but with a different standpoint this time. My heart knows who and what can make it smile anyway. I’ll drench my heart and myself in things unspoken and live my life with arms wide open. My heart starts another story today and the rest is still unwritten.

No comments: